


Safe and Constant

by Leronas



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Yuuri has issues, a tiny bit of swearing, like maybe one swear word in the whole thing, these two aren't making it easy for themselves and/or each other, viktor has issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2019-01-28 15:52:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12610140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leronas/pseuds/Leronas
Summary: Yuuri loses it because there are mornings when the universe itself tells you to stop trying to get out of bed; Viktor loses it because he's supposed to be Yuuri's amazing and supportive fiancé, and instead he's angry and hurt.A very emotional conversation follows.





	Safe and Constant

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of a companion piece to On Mornings Like This, meaning this is also set in canon, post-season one. (No need to read that one to understand it btw.) This was supposed to be funny and light-hearted and short, but somehow it turned into a 4k+ hurt-comfort fest. Hm.
> 
> I absolutely can **not** write comedy.
> 
> Anyhow. Enjoy!
> 
> P.S.: I am so bad at titles. So bad. Please forgive me.

Yuuri doesn’t lose it when he wakes up to Viktor cursing loudly in the bathroom. He doesn’t lose it when he looks at his phone, still groggy from sleep and realizes that he should’ve been up over forty minutes ago.

Yuuri doesn’t lose it when it turns out that Viktor was cursing because Makkachin peed on the rug in the bathroom because they were too late taking him outside.

Yuuri doesn’t lose it when Viktor burns breakfast while he’s showering, trying to pretend that the slight smell of pee doesn’t bother him. He also doesn’t lose it when he drops the shower gel for the third time.

Yuuri doesn’t lose it when he tries to eat his cereal with a fork. He doesn’t lose it when Viktor runs by and off-handedly tells him to hurry up.

Yuuri loses it when he grabs the box of cereal, opens the fridge, and realizes the cereal box doesn’t fit anywhere inside.

“Viktor!” he snaps, frustrated tears gathering in his eyes.

Viktor runs, hearing the urgency in Yuuri’s voice.

“Yes, lo-“ he falters, brows furrowing in confusion. “Yuuri… darling…”

“Viktor, where the hell did you take this stupid box out from?! It doesn’t fit anywhere!” Yuuri grinds out through his teeth, staring daggers at the fridge. Viktor hesitates for a second, then steps closer.

“Darling… that’s the fridge. Cereal doesn’t go in there” he informs Yuuri hesitantly. Yuuri blinks, looks at the box in his hand, then the fridge, and then he sighs.

“Okay. You know what? I’m done. Done, done, done.”

With that, he slams the fridge closed, puts the box of leftover cereal on the kitchen counter and starts getting rid of his clothes as well as making his way towards the bedroom.

“Done with… Yuuri, what are you doing?” Viktor asks again in complete confusion, walking after Yuuri and picking up his clothes, glancing at the clock on the wall. “We don’t really have time-“

“ _You_ don’t have time, _I_ am going back to bed. This day is cursed and I refuse to participate in it” Yuuri declares, getting rid of his socks and climbing under the covers.

“But-“

“No. There are days when the universe itself tells you to stay in bed, and this is one of those days. I’m staying here, end of story. I’ll sleep a few more hours and then cook you something nice by the time you get home” Yuuri says, turning his back to an immensely confused Viktor, before tugging the covers up to his chin and burying his face in the pillow.

Viktor stands next to the bed with Yuuri’s clothes in his arms for a few more minutes, before chuckling and sitting down next to his grumpy fiancé.

“You know, with all that defiance stuck inside you, I would think you’d use the opportunity to prove the universe wrong by getting out of bed” he says with a sly grin, only to be met with a grunt.

“There’s brave defiance and there’s stupidity” Yuuri mumbles, not making any moves to get out of the bed. Viktor sighs. This is getting less and less funny by the second.

“We can take the car to the rink if you don’t want to run?” he offers. Yuuri shakes his head as vehemently as he can while still lying on his pillow.

“Car crash is what’s gonna happen if we do that.”

“Well then we can both walk, we’ll be a bit late, but we can go grab some coffee on the way!” Viktor offers, cheeriness a bit false in his voice now.

“Yeah, and we’ll step into dog poop and splash our coffees on ourselves, each other, or worse, some strangers.”

“Yuuri, come on!” Viktor exclaims. He knows his annoyance is starting to show. “We need to get to practice.”

“Well then go! You can practice more when I’m not there anyway!” Yuuri snaps, turning even further away from Viktor. “Mr. Perfection on ice” he mumbles into the pillow, but Viktor hears it anyway. He presses his lips together, swallowing any angry remarks – or, god forbid, angry _tears_ –, and then gets up.

“Fine” he hisses, dropping Yuuri’s clothes and leaving the room.

Yuuri curls up in bed and hugs Viktor’s pillow to his chest.

***

Viktor has a hard time concentrating in practice; his mind keeps wandering back to the morning, and every time he thinks about it, he can feel himself getting irrationally angry again. Fine, he gets it, Yuuri was having a bad morning, but so was he. He knows, knows that he shouldn’t be so upset, he knows that Yuuri gets ticked off sometimes, even by the most irrelevant, little things. He knows exactly what he’s like when his brain decides that everything is too much, they’ve been living together for long enough.

But hell, knowing doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. And Viktor feels like shit, because he’s supposed to be this amazing and supportive and helpful soon-to-be-husband when Yuuri gets like this, and instead, he got angry and left him alone.

Yuuri must be feeling so upset with him now, because he doesn’t understand how much _effort_ Viktor puts into being right for him. He just sees Viktor walking out on him, and he is probably torturing himself with how the way the morning got out of hand was his fault, and Viktor should be home, telling him that it wasn’t, but…

Well, it was.

Viktor sighs and comes to a stop by the wall of the rink. He should go and comfort Yuuri, but he doesn’t have a clue as of how to do that. He’s angry that Yuuri was so whiny this morning, it bothers him that he just elected to skip practice when they agreed as long as two weeks ago that today would be the day they’d finally have time to be working on their joint exhibition for the next season. And at the same time, he’s angry with himself, because he understands that Yuuri doesn’t do this to inconvenience him, he knows that Yuuri can’t help it. He knows that this morning pushed him so off balance that he thought it would be safest for him (and Viktor _knows_ that when he says that, he means _mentally_ ) to stay at home.

…

But they were to practice their pair skate! Viktor would’ve made sure that nobody upset him and that he was sheltered and everything, why doesn’t Yuuri trust Viktor to take care of him?! He wouldn’t have had to talk to anyone, Viktor would’ve made sure of that! Is a little bad luck in the morning upsetting enough that he doesn’t want to be near Viktor either?!

He takes a deep breath, stares ahead of himself for one more second, and turns back to the rink. Since Yuuri isn’t here, he might as well make the most he can of this practice session. God knows his free could still use his attention.

***

It’s a little after noon that Viktor gives up trying to practice and decides to go home for lunch and put things right with his (probably) sulking fiancé. He’s seriously not looking forward to the conversation, and honestly, he still feels upset, but he also feels like he’ll be able to put on a smiling face for Yuuri now.

He hates putting on a smiling face. He’s hated doing it for a while now, and entering a serious relationship only made it worse. But he can do it for Yuuri.

He fishes his keys out of his pocket, adjusting the strap of the bag holding his gear before unlocking the door and pushing it open.

He can immediately feel the smell of amazing food coming from inside, and he’s actually a bit surprised. Yes, Yuuri did say he’d make him some delicious food by the time he gets home, but that was before the argument, and he didn’t think he was being serious. He drops his bag and toes his shoes off, hangs his jacket next to Yuuri’s and walks over to the kitchen.

There are multiple things shimmering quietly on the stove, and there seems to be something in the oven as well. The kitchen looks freshly cleaned, every little cue telling Viktor that Yuuri has gone on a cooking spree, but is done by now. He lifts the top of one of the pots, smelling the contents, the scent prompting a smile from him. He loves Yuuri’s cooking a lot.

Even though he has no idea what this means.

Is Yuuri feeling sorry?

Is he still angry?

Is he dealing with nervous energy by cooking?

Is he even in the flat?

Yes, silly, he answers himself. Yuuri wouldn’t leave food on the stove if he left the flat even for a second. He steps out of the kitchen, listening for any sounds, and he hears Makkachin’s nails clicking on the floor. He smiles and heads in the direction of the noise. He passes by the poodle, giving him a scratch behind his ear as he does so.

Stepping into the bedroom, he sees Yuuri sitting on the bed with his feet tucked under him, a concerned, focused look on his face – at least as much as Viktor can see of it, which is not a lot – as he stares at his phone. He feels his heart soften at the sight, and suddenly, putting on a smiling face for him doesn’t seem as hard. After all, he loves Yuuri. Being with him always fills him with a kind of deep, honest happiness.

“Hi” he greets, quietly, calmly. Yuuri is startled; he snaps his head up, and Viktor immediately forgets anything about how smiling is supposed to work.

He’s been crying, that much is obvious; his face is still a bit blotchy, his eyes are red, and now that he’s looking, Viktor can see the discarded tissues next to him on the bed.

Yuuri has been crying, and that’s your fault for leaving him alone the way you did – a treacherous voice whispers into his ear.

He takes a hesitant step closer, but that’s all he can do before Yuuri jumps up and crosses the distance between them, arms coming up around Viktor’s hips, securing him in a warm, slightly desperate hug.

“Viktor, I’m sorry” he rushes to say, and Viktor knows he’s already forgiven him. “I’m sorry, I was behaving horribly this morning.”

“It’s alright, Yuuri. You were having a bad morning” Viktor says, planting a soft kiss to where Yuuri’s neck and shoulder meet. However, the younger man pulls away, forcing him to wonder if he’s done something wrong. Again.

“It’s not alright, Viktor, I don’t have the right to speak to you like that” he states, voice firmer now, his stare so unwavering that Viktor actually has to look away to relieve himself of the sudden, intense feeling.

“You’re my fiancé–“

“That doesn’t give me the right” Yuuri says, firm, certain, an angry fire lighting in his eyes. “Yes, I’m your fiancé. Yes, this morning pushed me off balance and my issues got the best of me. Yes, I’ve been trying to make it up to you by cleaning the entire flat and making us food for the rest of the week. But… Viktor, not one, not a single one of these reasons is good enough to justify the way I snapped at you” he explains, determined but gentle. He makes Viktor want to curl up to him and never leave, because he always feels so _safe_ and _constant_ when he gets like this. Viktor loves him so much for it, while at the same time, he would willingly admit that he’s going through hell trying to figure out how to act when Yuuri is so dominant.

“I… Yuuri, I’m really not angry” he opts after a few, eternal seconds of silence. “I was a bit upset, but I skated it off” he smiles, but he knows it’s fake, and he knows Yuuri will realize that himself. He sees a frown forming on Yuuri’s face as his fiancé reaches out to touch his face.

“Why are you lying to me, Viktor?” he asks softly after a minute of quiet, and Viktor gasps, the question so close to the heart of the issue that it kind of scares him. Any remnants of his intended mask are gone, his heart beating loudly in the quiet of the room, Yuuri’s intense stare burning him up, his mind desperately trying to take back control and somehow make Yuuri believe that he’s not lying, that he’s not angry, that he’s okay with whatever Yuuri says or does as long as he doesn’t leave, that he’d do anything to keep Yuuri by his side, and that he definitely wouldn’t let something small and stupid get in the way of that, and that he _should_ be able to deal with Yuuri’s behavior by now, so Yuuri has every right to be angry with him–

Actually, those are the things he truly feels.

He knows Yuuri wouldn’t appreciate it.

He’s breathing hard, feeling like he’d run a marathon, and he knows he’s not getting out of this conversation without explaining himself. Yuuri stares at him for a bit longer before turning his head toward the open bedroom door.

“I’ll go turn the stove off. I’ll be right back” he says, giving a last, worried look to Viktor, and letting his hand ghost over Viktor’s arm as he walks by him.

Viktor takes a few deep breaths and sits down on the bed, trying to resist the urge to curl in on himself and start crying. He wants to be honest with Yuuri, but he doesn’t want him to realize how clingy and broken he really is. He wants to tell him everything, but he doesn’t want Yuuri to think that Viktor is so weak to his love that he would humiliate himself to no end to keep him by his side.

Oh he knows this is not healthy thinking. He knows. And he wishes, he wishes so hard not to feel this way. But he doesn’t exactly have a choice, no more than Yuuri does when his anxiety drives him into a panic attack. He can’t just decide not to have an attack, just like Viktor can’t tell his brain to stop thinking and feeling in a certain way. He needs someone safe and constant, he _needs_ Yuuri and the love they’ve built together, no matter how much of himself he has to give up for it.

Yuuri returns, and sits down right next to Viktor, a hand immediately finding Viktor’s, a comforting, steady touch that helps Viktor anchor himself.

He breaths out slowly, trying to compose himself.

Yuuri is right here, he tells himself. He’ll help you through this, you can trust him, he tells himself. But telling himself is the easy part.

“Viktor… talk to me, love” Yuuri asks quietly. He glances at him and nods, but doesn’t know how to proceed. He can’t find the right words, because if he just tells Yuuri the truth, well, nothing good can come of that. Yuuri has a lot of problems himself, and Viktor can’t possibly expect him to stay in a steady relationship with someone who can’t help him, because he’s dealing with his own issues. Viktor is not the safety and constancy that Yuuri needs. But maybe, just for a little longer, he could pretend that he is. Maybe, for just a few more weeks, months, he could act like he’s strong and easygoing, above any hardship the world could possibly offer. Of course, Yuuri will figure out sooner or later, and he’s already had him convinced for much longer than anyone else, but… he doesn’t want this to end. Not now, not ever.

Yuuri’s fingers under his jaw bring him out of his dark thoughts.

“Viktor… darling, we need to talk. You always tell me to talk to you, I’m asking you to do the same now” Yuuri explains, voice quiet, a little uncertain, but when Viktor glances up to look him in the eye, he can still see the determination from earlier. Yuuri isn’t going to let this go until Viktor tells him everything. He sighs deeply, free hand removing Yuuri’s fingers from his face before he turns his head away.

“I just… I don’t…” He worries his lower lip. He doesn’t know how to explain, he doesn’t know what to say.

“This is about more than just our argument this morning, isn’t it?” Yuuri asks. Viktor nods slowly. It’s more about his long history of being unable to keep anyone around for long, and about his fear that he can’t be there for Yuuri the way Yuuri needs it. He still has a really hard time understanding when he’s doing the right things and when he’s messing everything up. He’s not good with people, he _knows_ that, but maybe someone who _is_ … maybe someone like that could support Yuuri a lot better.

“Tell me? Just… Anything about what you’re feeling. I know I went way out of line with what I said–“

“It doesn’t matter, it’s okay” Viktor hurries to say, immediately knowing that this was exactly _not_ the reaction he should’ve had. He bites his lip again. Yuuri’s hand, the one that’s still holding his, clenches.

“Why do you say that? I know it hurt you. And I… I’m not proud of it, but…” Yuuri cuts himself off and takes a deep breath. “…but that’s why I said it” he mumbles. Viktor can feel him shiver, and there’s anger bubbling in his chest, but he tries to repress it. Yuuri takes another deep breath, and Viktor sees him turn his head toward him from the corner of his eye.

“Viktor, you can’t allow me to walk all over you, y-your feelings, because I will, because I fuck up like that sometimes” Yuuri continues, and Viktor is starting to have a hard time not looking at him, not curling up to him, not crying, not… doing anything. “Because I get these… I don’t know how to explain, I’m sure there’s some term for it, but, well… it’s like everything is just too much, and I just try to get rid of everything and everyone around me, and I’m… I’m just endlessly irritated by everything in existence, and then I, sometimes, I get really… cruel. Like when this morning, when I called you… you know. I didn’t mean it, but I know it hurt you. And, uh… when you brush it off like that? You scare me a bit. I just… well, I… uh. I feel like I’ve hurt you more than I thought? That I’m breaking the trust you’re giving me when I say something like that. I know how much you hate people’s unwavering belief in your perfection. I know you hate not being able to make mistakes. I know because… because you’ve trusted me enough to let me know it. S-so… when I use it against you and then you say it’s okay? I feel like I’m losing your trust, and t-that scares me… so much, so much, Viktor.”

It’s more like blabber now, and Yuuri must feel that, so he stops. Viktor has his hand in a death grip, and he knows he has to say something now.

“I trust you” is the first thing out of his mouth, and he almost flinches at the sound of his voice; it’s so weak, so chocked up, it sounds like he’s about to cry. Which, well, he is. But he doesn’t want his voice to sound like that. “I just…” he trails off, and then he suddenly turns back to Yuuri and buries his face in Yuuri’s shoulder.

“Shh, I’m here, it’ll be okay, Viktor” Yuuri says immediately, wrapping his free arm around Viktor. It’s a really awkward position, and Viktor feels his spine bending at an uncomfortable angle, but he doesn’t care. He can’t even tell Yuuri what’s wrong, and he’s still there, worried, uncertain, scared Yuuri is there to comfort him, and Viktor feels so shitty about himself, because isn’t he the one supposed to be taking care of Yuuri? Isn’t this supposed to be the other way around?

A few minutes later, when he realizes he’s not going to cry – he’s not sure how or why, because he was certain he was just about to –, he lifts his head to look Yuuri in the eye. What he sees there almost pushes him back into Yuuri’s arms, because there is so much love and acceptance and worry, and it’s all for _him_ , and it’s kind of hard to deal with all of the things he’s feeling at once. He spent so long purposefully forgetting about what feelings were like that he’s having a hard time getting accustomed to them again, especially because there are so many of them, and they are so _strong_ –

“Yuuri” he mumbles, trying to draw at least some strength to be able to say what Yuuri wants him to say.

Yuuri doesn’t say anything, but his eyes never leave Viktor’s face and his hold on Viktor’s hand tightens.

“I… It… I don’t know how to say this” he huffs, rubbing his eyes. When he looks back up, he can see Yuuri smiling.

“Don’t worry about saying it right. Just keep talking about it until it comes out right” he advices, smiling softly. Viktor can’t help his own smile; he remembers saying this exact thing to Yuuri, sometime during the summer. Right. Yuuri is right. He said that himself, and he meant it. He just has to act according to it now.

“I… I really don’t want to lose you” he starts, right in the middle, and he immediately hates it, but he keeps going anyway. He’s started now, there is no turning back. “I want to be perfect for _you_ , Yuuri, and I know I can’t, nobody could, and I know that. But… I… sometimes I get the feeling that I’m especially not good for you.” He can hear Yuuri gasp, and he wants to take back everything he said, wants to turn back to some convenient lie or mask or anything to get them out of this situation, but it’s out now, and he can’t change it.

“W-why… why do you think that?” Yuuri chokes out, and _oh, god,_ you made him cry again you _idiot_! He trembles and he looks at Yuuri, desperate, and when he sees the tears, he hates himself even more, and he knows he should’ve never said anything, he was an idiot for ever opening his mouth, his feelings aren’t important, _he_ knows what to do with unresolved feelings, Yuuri doesn’t need this kind of emotional pressure on him–

“Viktor, tell me why you think that” Yuuri suddenly says, voice much steadier, tone commanding, and Viktor relaxes, because it seems so much easier to just do what Yuuri tells him to; it makes him feel adequate, it makes him feel like he’s doing the right thing, because Yuuri told him to do it.

“Because I’m not good with people, and I still can’t tell when you need help, even though we’ve been living in the same house for months, and we’re actually engaged now, and I should be able to. A-and because… because I’m angry with you so often when you say stupid stuff, and because I let myself be offended when you snap at me, even though I know you don’t mean it, and because I’m not always understanding, and because I can’t always handle the things you say or do even though I should, because I’m not the one with the problems, I’m supposed to be the one supporting you, and, and…” Viktor trails off, realizing he’s rambling, and also because he’s short of breath; and also, stopping makes him realize that there are now tears on his face.

Before he knows it, Yuuri is hugging him like his life depends on it, and he’s sobbing, and that sort of breaks the dam for Viktor too; he hugs back and sobs into Yuuri’s shoulder. He’s so scared, so confused, so emotional, and above all, he just wants Yuuri to stay right here, with him, forever.

A good few minutes pass, probably, Viktor isn’t looking at the clock. But when Yuuri pulls away, they are both done sobbing, although he sure isn’t absolutely done crying.

“V-Viktor…” Yuuri starts, caressing Viktor’s hand, the one he’s still holding, after all of this. “Viktor, it’s okay to be angry. I-I… Viktor, I know how infuriating I can get. You know… people haven’t been walking on their tiptoes around me for my whole life. Most of the time, life doesn’t care if I can keep up, neither do the people around me. And… when I say something insulting, or when I snap at you, or when I do something that hurts you, y-you have the right to that feeling” Yuuri explains, voice shaky, but his eyes are fierce and determined; it’s obvious he wants to get this into Viktor’s skull. “Just because I didn’t mean it, or because I was so caught up in my head, you still got hurt, and that’s just as important as dealing with my feelings. B-because…” Yuuri takes a deep breath and grabs Viktor’s chin, forcing the older man to look him in the eye.

“Viktor, this relationship is about both of us. I’m supposed to support you just as much as you support me.”

Viktor sobs again, but the tears are from relief this time. He pulls his hand away from Yuuri’s now, and pulls him into a proper hug, clinging to him desperately, anchoring himself to the love and caring his fiancé is offering to him. Yuuri is gently caressing his back, murmuring calming things into his ear, holding him. He feels so safe now, and so he’s not afraid of opening his mouth again.

“I t-thought you might be mad” he whispers into Yuuri’s shoulder. He can feel Yuuri’s arms tightening around him.

“I will never, ever be mad at you for telling me about what you’re feeling. I promise, Viktor” Yuuri answers, and somehow, that promise gets through all of Viktor’s fears about not being able to support Yuuri enough.

“Thank you” he mumbles. Yuuri plants a soft kiss on his shoulder.

“Thank you, Viktor. For telling me. I know it’s not easy with me sometimes, and I will try my best not to hurt you. But it would help me a lot if I could count on you to tell me if I ever do.”

Viktor nods, hugging Yuuri a bit stronger. He knows he won’t be able to always and immediately tell Yuuri if he does something hurtful, especially if it’s like this morning, but he can promise to try. And maybe with enough time, he will learn, and Yuuri will learn too.

He smiles into Yuuri’s collarbone.

“I saw the stuff on the stove. What did you make for me?” he asks, not in an attempt to escape the conversation, but to move on. He feels like they’ve talked about what they needed to talk about, and he is on the one hand hungry, on the other, really, really content. The only thing left he wants today is having lunch with Yuuri, and then spend the rest of the day cuddling, watching movies or playing some stupid game Yuuri would beat him at anyway.

Yuuri seems to understand the sentiment because he laughs softly.

“Why don’t you come and taste it? You can pick what we’re having for lunch today, and then help me put the rest of the stuff in the freezer” he grins, pulling away. Viktor groans, because he hates boxing up food, and then Yuuri laughs again, because Viktor loves doing anything as long as it involves being with Yuuri, and when they get up, hand in hand, the world seems to tip back into its usual place, and they are both exactly where they need to be.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you liked it :)


End file.
